Zen Journey Through Email • 禅宗旅程

Hello, my name is Halden Levin, and you are listening to Little Dragon’s Journey. 你好！我叫李靜辰，你正在聽小龍的旅程。

Transition Music（音樂）

Beginning at the start of August, I began practicing Soto Zen Buddhism with the Sonoma Mountain Zen Center through their online programming. Four months in, I thought I would take this moment to share my experience and a few resources I’ve found or been provided that have been useful in developing my practice of Zen.

Reflecting on this journey, I was looking back at the emails I’ve sent and received. Email has become one of my primary forms of communication, especially when needing to communicate more than what a text allows and more clearly than a phone call. As I mentioned in “Pre-Departure: Just Sitting,” in seeking for the opportunity to volunteer at a Zen temple or center, I reached out to a number of organizations across the United States, and Nyoze, the vice abbot at the Sonoma Mountain Zen Center, was the first to reply.

Soon after, I began joining morning and evening zazen, Saturday Community, and a few events organized for the summer ango period, which is a period of intense zen training typically held twice a year. Around mid-August, I attended my first dokusan with Nyoze. Dokusan is a private meeting with a Zen teacher. After my first dokusan with Nyoze, I shared the following:

"Thank you for the guidance. I have been trying to attend morning and evening zazen on the weekdays and Saturday Community on the weekends. I find doing zazen in the evenings a little difficult because 7:30 pm in CA is actually 10:30 pm in NC, which is when I usually go to bed. I try not to doze off, but I often do and find myself leaning forward. On Monday, I missed evening zazen because I fell asleep reading Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind. To be honest, I'm a bit intimidated by how much information there is about Buddhism, but I thought Zen Mind Beginner's Mind would be a good place to start.

Quick question: what do you mean by "It is extremely rare in this lifetime to come across zazen and the Dharma!"? Zazen is a meditative practice, so how can you come across zazen? And isn't the Dharma the Buddha's teachings, so how do you come across the Dharma?"

Once more in August, I attended dokusan with Nyoze. During this dokusan and the prior dokusan, we discussed the possibility of volunteer residency, but given the pandemic, he decided that future opportunities will be available but now is not the time. In a follow-up email, he recommended reaching out to Zen centers near me:

"Thank you for the recommendations! I might join the Chapel Hill Zen Center for some of their virtual programs, but I will keep attending the virtual programs SMZC offers. The international network of sanghas SMZC is a part of is wonderful. Last night, I did buy Deepest Practice, Deepest Wisdom; if I receive the book in time, I will join the study group next Tuesday. Also, thanks for the advice about fluffing up the zafu at the end of zazen; a plump zafu is quite satisfying. I'm considering making a zabuton to go along with the zafu if I can scrounge up enough fabric scraps for the filling.

As much as I would like to visit SMZC this fall, I think it would be best for me to stay in Chapel Hill. If all is well, I hope to travel to SMZC next summer. I pray for your safety and wellbeing. This might be an odd question, but is there any element of prayer in Soto Zen Buddhism?"

You may remember, back in August, I sewed my own zafu, or meditation cushion. Typically, zafus and zabutons are paired together; the zabuton is placed under the zafu and is an additional bit of cushioning. Since my zafu is on top of carpeting, I still have yet to make the zabuton, but I will get around to it, especially if I know I’ll be moving or traveling to a new space.

At the end of August, I attended the closing ango ceremony, where Małgosia "Myoju" Sieradzka-Imhoff stepped down from the position of Shuso (head student). Sangha members are encouraged to ask questions, but I decided to just listen and observe. However, I wanted to thank Myoju, and in the days following the ceremony, a question did arise:

"I've been meaning to thank you for serving as Shuso for SMZC's ango. There is still so much I don't know, but through continued Zen practice and reading, I'm hoping to gain a better understanding of Zen Buddhism and become more present in this world.

I decided just to observe during the closing ceremony, but I did come up with a question I considered asking you: In the Four Bodhisattva Vows, we vow to save all sentient beings. Saving all sentient beings is quite an ambitious task. Can we save all sentient beings, and if so, how can we save all sentient beings? I've thought about it, and I believe the answer lies, in part, in what saving is defined as, which I believe is releasing all sentient beings from suffering. As such, saving all sentient beings isn't possible, but we can support and save the individuals who enter our lives, even if on the periphery of such. If you have a moment, I would love to hear your own thoughts on this quandary."

Myoju promptly replied by sharing a poem she had written and had shared during the closing ceremony:

"'The whole world in the ten-direction is the one bright pearl' -

when you laugh, I laugh,

when you cry, I cry.

Interconnected, intertwined, not separate, not different.

When one knot of Indra’s net drops off its body and mind,

All knots drop off the body and mind.

This is saving all sentient beings!

I have been thinking about it throughout all these years of practice. It seems like an impossible task to save all beings. And I think it is impossible when we approach it with our dualistic mind.

I also think what is important in this vow to save all sentient beings is that it sets the correct intention into your practice. It extends it beyond yourself, your thinking mind, your own suffering. Helps to ground oneself in the reality (even if only through thought in the beginning) where we and other people are not separate (we are, and we are not)."

In September, I continued to struggle with dozing off during zazen, so Nyoze offered some guidance about sitting upright:

"When you sit try pushing the crown of your head straight up into the sky. Like a tree being upright. Your skull will sit directly on top of your spine. When you sit upright if you can fully see your mudra then you are leaning too much forward. However, if you look down and slightly see the top of your mudra then you are sitting more upright. Sit with your sitting bones on the front half of your zafu so you create a curve in the lower bottom of your back allowing the spine to lengthen and be upright. Sitting with an upright posture will help the thinking mind from thoughts and thinking. The thoughts will have less of a tendency to stick."

During our October dokusan, I had to end our meeting abruptly due to Chinese class, so I sent an email with thoughts I did not have time to share:

"Thank you again for meeting with me yesterday. Sorry I had to leave a bit quickly at the end. Your advice helped me sit up straighter last night and this morning. I think I've been unintentionally tilting my head downwards because it felt quite different keeping my head in line with my spine. There were a few questions/things I wanted to mention yesterday that I didn't have time to express.

First, in regard to the connection between poetry and Zen, I've been reading Why Poetry by Matthew Zapruder for a while, and as I was reading the Genjo Koan, one passage I read in Why Poetry really stuck out to me:

'Poetry has always been a drifting experience, like it's floating in the wind and I'm watching it, trying to grasp it back, to hold it, and look at it, and comprehend it. It is always out of reach. I keep thinking I'll understand or love it with the next poem I read. That I only need one more and then I'll 'get' it. Alas this seems untrue for me... I wondered about telling you how poems keep their mystery as I read them. I wondered if I should tell you I own poetry books, but cannot seem to read them. I thought more about if I should tell you that I'm not sure what the poem you sent to me means. If I should tell you I sat on my bed one night and read the poem aloud to myself, swatting at the lines buzzing around my head, eventually laying it down to go to sleep, putting your poem to sleep as well. It makes me wonder if I'm 'doing it' wrong, poetry, that is. It makes me long for a literature class again where poems were discussed and analyzed. Maybe that would make me love them.'

This passage really encapsulates the sort of feeling I have reading the Genjo Koan and other Soto Zen texts, the feeling of struggling to understand, the feeling that the text is simultaneously meaningless and quite meaningful. I feel that the non-dualistic nature of Zen is something that is hard to express in words, seemingly impossible. As you said, practice is the best way, the only way; there is faith, practice, and experience. It all makes sense even when it doesn't.

I also wanted to mention that I recently started engaging with the Chapel Hill Zen Center. On Halloween, CHZC held an in-person Sejiki Ceremony, and I had the opportunity to talk to Zenki, Josho Roshi's assistant, and a few of the other members. I also joined them for zazen last Sunday morning, which was a bit different from SMZC's. There were two periods of zazen and a period of kinhin in between; I'd really never tried kinhin before. They also have zazen every weekday morning and afternoon.

The last thing I wanted to mention/ask regards membership/donations. I am very grateful to you all for welcoming me into your community. I've been practicing with you all since the beginning of August, and I really would like to offer a donation. How much do you recommend I donate? I've sat alone a few times, but I really do value sitting with the SMZC sangha. Despite being on the opposite side of the country, I suppose I would like to officially become a member of SMZC. If at all possible, I would love to volunteer with you all next summer.

This question might seem a bit random, but when I talked to your father last month, I believe he mentioned that his parents are Chinese. Just out of curiosity, are you able to speak Chinese? I've been learning Chinese for four years and am currently learning Chinese with the Wenzao Ursuline University of Languages (I'm not really fluent, but I can generally hold a conversation). I was curious to ask because I think it would be interesting to talk about Zen in Chinese."

At the beginning of November, he promptly replied:

"Good morning!

Thanks for sharing and your email.

When we drop the intellect, like an engine idling, not engaging we are aiming at “What is doing/undoing?” We discover something beyond that is marvelously connected! You must keep on aiming and it will grow!

I am happy that you connected with Chapel Hill Zen Center. I’ve met Rev. Pat Phalen over several occasions at our yearly Soto Zen Buddhist Association teacher’s meeting in Los Angeles. I was thinking of how to connect you to them since you are close. I would recommend that you talk with Rev. Phalen-roshi directly if you can. Just to make a direct connection with Chapel Hill’s teacher.

We are now mapping out the calendar for 2021. We hope sooner but looks like the vaccine will be available for everyone next Fall! Let’s keep practicing together and see what unfolds. It would be great to have you come and practice with us when we open safely.

My grandparents on both sides(roshi/shinko) immigrated to the United States fleeing China’s great famine and depression. It was not easy. They came to California due to propaganda that “the streets were paved with gold” to make money to bring back to their families. They came over and couldn’t return due to unforeseen circumstances but managed to send small portions of money back under extremely hard conditions. Both my parents were born in San Francisco Bay Area. Chinese during that time were not allowed to speak Chinese outside of their homes and were forced to assimilate to Western ways. They lived a life of - not to rock the boat so they would not be deported and sent back to China. Roshi and Shinko grew up speaking Chinese only within their family. They can speak a small amount of Cantonese - southern Toisan dialect. Chinese language stopped with their generation.

My grandparents chose the last name Kwong for immigration purposes to enter the States. Our real blood name is Chin which is connected to Sekito Kisen (stone head) who is one of the founding teachers of Soto Zen’s Silent Illumination School. I grew up in Sonoma being one of the few minorities in my school and it was not an easy time. For many years I felt ashamed to be Chinese. However, as I grow older, I find that my connection to China is naturally deepening from sitting practice and also finding out the deep blood lineage of this practice - India to China to Japan and to United States! So, we find that we are all interconnected and the same when we return to this ground-of-being!

It’s great that you are studying and can speak Chinese! I am happy that you asked me this question so that I can reflect from the depth of my being as well.

Let’s continue…...to…. reflect…..."

Transition Music（音樂）

Please visit haldenlevin.wixsite.com/littledragonjourney to access the transcript of this episode, and know you are always welcome to contact me through my website, email, or social media. Thank you for joining Little Dragon’s Journey. 謝謝你們參加小龍的旅程。拜拜！